#16 Greatest Mistake In History – A Man Fails To Lead His Wife.

I once thought greatness was measured in a husband by his ability to provide and willingness to please his wife. By the fruit of that notion I moved my family four times in four years – bigger and better at the speed of home equity. But the fruit of any vain labor will eventually ferment and intoxicate the one sustained by it. My efforts continued blindly until the day the phone rang “we no longer have the budget for your services” one call after another, fifty in a row. I’d been sucker-punched by the truth, just in time to watch the enemy run off with my income, and the value of our home. The emperor who had no clothes was now out of “hush” money.

The bank sold our home for half the amount we paid. My wife, already humbled by the experience, had her sites on a particular rental. But God stepped in and offered more than just a refuge for my large family. We settled instead into a tiny rental with a moldy campground bathroom and perpetually broken air unit. It was perfect for us and we hated it. She referred to it as an “ugly plaid shirt, two sizes two small”, that God insisted she wear. I call it throwing a fit, but I didn’t blame her-it was my fault. He made it clear that we were to move in for a time to adjust our thinking and renew our minds. We stayed. She made it a home.

Several months later in the deep summer, about midday, I fell asleep on the couch and God spoke. It was a long morning of old coffee and reheated resumes – one after another – ninety degrees outside and ninety five in the house. Caffeine is no match for the snake-charm of monotony but I didn’t care. Falling asleep was my way of feeding the pigeons from the park bench instead of working. Or maybe God had His hand on my forehead, waiting for me to stop punching the air and collapse from exhaustion. I don’t remember the dream, only the stress of it. But I awoke with God saying “Remember Adam and Abraham”

The treasure of Godly impression is that He says what he means. Each word is a map telling us where to dig. I spent the next couple days dusting off Adam and Abraham, only to uncover a seated portrait of myself. Both of these men sat down at precisely the moment they needed to stand on God’s word. In their desire to avoid conflict, they bowed the knee and relinquished their God given authority to their wives. Both men gave in because they wanted to please their wives more than God. This failure to stand up and give the enemy a black eye resulted in the most extraordinary suffering the earth will ever know.

Failure to lead

Eve was tempted by knowledge but Adam was tempted more by her appraisal of him. The world has reduced this event to a cartoon of sneaky teens being backhanded for outsmarting God. But even believers miss Adam’s failure to lead by focusing on the at-large temptation (to be like God). It’s obvious though… Adam should have said “No”. He’s responsible, the rest is history. Likewise, Abraham should have said “No” to Sarah when she pushed him to dismiss the promise of Isaac; ultimately making Hagar the mother of Isaac’s disdain throughout history. Both decisions to submit to these influences, instead of standing up to them, brought consequences beyond description.

Let’s Consider Just Two Of The Consequences Of Adam’s Failure:

Gen 3:16b (NLT) 16b “Then he said to the woman… And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you.” (Other versions refer to it as “desire for your husband” but a deeper study of the structure reveals this to be a desire for his authority -not sexual).

After fifteen years I can say with absolute assurance that nothing (on earth) can move me like the encouragement of my wife. And nothing can injure me like her shame. By design, she has great influence in my life. If she is close to God that influence becomes an extension of His hand. If she is operating from pain or some other contingency, that influence can become a weapon of the enemy.

Gen 3:19 (NLT) “By the sweat of your brow will you have food to eat until you return to the ground from which you were made.”

This verse reveals why men assign god-like value to their unique ability as providers (not gifts). It’s actually a curse, but men wear it in their flesh like a badge. When it’s ripped away they suffer unless Jesus becomes their ointment. He reassigns our value according to what He paid for us, not the sweat of our brow or career status. Someone said to me in response to this “Yes, but a man who won’t provide for his family is worse than an unbeliever.” He was attempting to quote 1 Tim 5:8 as a way to say that my argument gives license for men to do nothing. I understand… but that is a heart issue. It doesn’t require a license from ME. I’m not referring to a willingness to provide but rather our bent to replace God with our own strength. Besides, the context of that verse is completely focused on grown children caring for widowed parents “family that has” helping “family that has not”– expressly those in our immediate family. It’s a complete perversion to use it any other way, especially to condemn a man who seeks God with all his heart for direction. Regardless, men must stop placing their value on anything except the finished work of Jesus!

These Strongholds Are Deeply Rooted In Our Misunderstanding Of Love

The scriptures above reflect two curses that inhabit Christian marriages unnecessarily; one through men and one through women. Each are the result of Adam’s failure to stand up. And below are four intertwined aspects of these curses that perpetuate themselves, until the marriage eventually fails.

The wife falls into the trap of relying more on the husband than God
The husband relies on his ability to provide rather than on the provider Himself (God)
The wife undermines the husband’s authority by manipulating his desire for her approval
The husband receives affirmation by satisfying his wife’s desire instead of God’s will

Jesus broke this curse for all who accept it, but many of us who believe it are living as if we didn’t. In this regard, anyone who is married or hopes to be, should answer a few sobering questions. Can a man properly lead his wife without being led by God? Or can he truly love his wife if he is unwilling to love God’s word? A quick “yes” answer brings the next question: Has our standard “As Christ loved the Church” been adjusted by emotion or reason?

God desires that a man should give himself up for his wife. This means guarding her physical AND spiritual welfare to the point of jeopardizing, if necessary, his own physical welfare. We are meant to care for her physically and spiritually just as Jesus has done for us. Husbands the world over are fairly clear about the physical half of this responsibility. But that is not enough (even though our emotions tell us it is). In fact, in the long term it is the least important of the two. Leadership is the willingness to fully understand and apply this truth to marriage and family. Therefore, a husband must lead his wife by getting close to God, getting in His word, and learning to hear His voice. How can he guard her spiritual welfare if his own is built on something less than God’s word? Christian men will agree to love their wives as Christ loved the Church. But, ironically, they fail to lead their wives by pursuing God’s word to understand what loving them truly means. I thought I knew, but I was wrong.

Convincing ourselves that we understand JUST because we’re Christians, is like Jewish leaders thinking they understood God just becuase they were Pharisees. Being Christian or growing up that way is nothing more than a great place to start. The word is not a dictionary that offers the husband a walk-away definition. It is the bread of life that he needs for daily survival. Without it, God’s ways get choked by the world and leadership reduced to a set of logical or emotional responses. It’s exactly where I’ve come from.

We’ve Been Lifted Off The Ground To Be Welcome Signs Instead Of Doormats

Husbands and wives listen up: The old adage “If mama’s not happy…” is the echo of Eve and a poison fix that keeps women miserable and men numb to confrontation – afraid of their God given authority to lead. Saved men should not see themselves as “the provider” but rather as the conduit through which God provides. The difference carries with it the enormous responsibility of glorifying God and teaching the family who He is. The other only glorifies the man and tempts the wife to subdue it for herself. Let’s adapt a new catchphrase: “if Papa’s not happy, (our God)… ain’t nobody happy!”

On A Personal Note:

Learning to lead properly is a slow and deep process. God is transforming us both inch by inch and we rejoice in that. My wife is already a strong partner whom I trust and cherish. Moving into that rental was my first test of leadership after being knocked flat. We both knew it was right but it needed a firm stand to see it through. I never realized any of this until He brought it to my attention through His word. We also rejoice in that!

Prayer For Leadership

Lord, teach us to love our spouse in the way that you’ve designed and to make it an act of unconditional worship for you. Strengthen your sons to stand firm in your word while guarding the hearts of their wives. Bend and soften the hearts of your daughter’s to follow and honor their husbands out of love for you. In Jesus name let reader agree – Amen.

If you believe that this post would edify someone in need, please pass it on, not for my sake, but for the sake of whom God intended it – Thanks and God bless you!

For prayer or encouragement please contact me by email or connect on facebook
wakeupmyfaith@att.net

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About Kevin Adams

As a student of God's word, photographer and writer, my chief aim is to help followers of Christ apprehend a real and passionate faith through the study of His word, by simple illustration, and regular encouragement. And by this faith they might catch a vision of who God shaped them to become. This blog is an account of my own journey toward that real and passionate faith, starting at ground zero. I hope it will offer some encouragement to any who've set their mind on seeking God's face, whatever the cost.
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84 Responses to #16 Greatest Mistake In History – A Man Fails To Lead His Wife.

  1. wendiwrites says:

    Yay! You’ve been writing! *big smile*

    Love this, especially the part where you said that men should not see themselves as “the provider”, but the conduit for God’s provision. Puts a whooooole new light on things. I will pass this little nugget on to my hubs. And I think I’ll need to read this a few times to let it sink in. Thanks for sharing. Still praying for you.

    -Muddy

    • blair says:

      Excellent. Like Wendi, saved men should not see themselves as “the provider” but rather as the conduit through which God provides, very well said my friend. And I agree that “God’s word really is the bread of life that all men need for daily survival. Without it, God’s ways get choked by the world.” You want a bigger straw to breath through? It’s as simple as opening your bible daily.

      • Kevin Adams says:

        Love you Blair – you’ve been one heck of a brother to me and a Godly example of leadership. Your wife and children are amazing. You truly have the blessing of God on your family for generations to come – thanks for being an honorable example for me to follow. Bless you man – thanks for taking time to comment!

    • Kevin Adams says:

      Thanks Wendi, what a blessing to have a friend with your joyful demeanor. I’m always refreshed by reading your blog and your comments on this one. This one was a challenge for me, but Holly and i have witnessed so many marriages around us under the assault by the enemy’s shell game. We just all have keep the topic on the front burner. Thank you for taking time, everytime! I REALLY meant it my friend. Bless you!

  2. David Amador says:

    Just read your message. It hit home and makes you reassess your priorities. I enjoyed reading it.

  3. Angie Battle says:

    There are so many quotable quotes in this piece….Substantial thoughts to really ponder for the purpose of conforming our thoughts to His.

    The treasure of Godly impression is that He says what he means.

    He reassigns our value according to what He paid for us, not the sweat of our brow or career status.

    The word is not a dictionary that offers the husband a walk-away definition. It is the bread of life that he needs for daily survival. Without it, God’s ways get choked by the world and leadership reduced to a set of logical or emotional responses.

    I’m not surprised to read these nuggets of truth that God has faithfully allowed to flow from your hand. They’ve been borne out of choosing to yield to God’s hand, trust Him, rather than continually resisting Him to the point of no return.

    I Peter 5:6 – “So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor.”

    I love seeing this at work in your marriage as well as in you and Holly individually. What a testimony to encourage us all!

    :-]

    • Kevin Adams says:

      Hugs from Holly and I to you sister! You’ve started a book of quotes i see :-) I’m afraid the really good ones will come by talking to my kiddos and chuckles would abound! Hey… thank you, as always, for just being my dear friend. Your encouragement continues to lift me daily. We will continue praying for you and the work God is shaping up just ahead. Much love from us to you!! bless you Angie!

  4. LeRonne says:

    Thank you for sharing this. It was painfully close to home and very timely.
    -lrs

  5. Sam Peebles says:

    I have to say that God is active and busy teaching His children. Marriage is under attack on all fronts in our society right now. This is a timely teaching, reminding, if not begging, husbands to get into God’s word, to daily refresh, teach, encourage. We have to be men that are leaders in the home, and that are learning daily to love our wives as Christ loves the Church. This is an ongoing action, that requires daily interaction with the Father and with our wives. As Christian men let us be God led instead of God dead. God wants us with all of His being to follow Him and for us to stop living by our own power and to step completely into His Power. This is where we will finally find rest, and everything we need to be equipped to live here right now. So AMEN to men being leaders, but we must lead with love and with a desire to always please God first. Brothers out there let us encourage each other to step into this, and put God first in our lives, seek ye first the Kingdom of God and all these things shall be added unto you. Seek God first and He will lead us where we need to be!!!!

    • Kevin Adams says:

      Thanks brother- you have great insight and i appreciate every word of your comments. It means so much to me that you to take time to share them. Bless you Sam!

  6. Nan Jones says:

    Thank you for listening to the Lord’s leading as you write your posts. If ever we need our men to be leaders, it is now. I am afraid the world has robbed them of their leadership, stolen their masculinity in many ways. And on the flip side of that, too many men in their quest to compensate and be macho, abuse the scriptures and thus abuse their wives. I think your insight will help many men understand the role of a godly husband much better.

    Here’s something for the wives. This addresses the S word – submission. When I first began walking with the Lord I had the privilege of being taught by some very godly women. I know now what a gift this was. This is what they taught me about submission: Think of a table top. There is a top (the husband) and there are legs (the wife-pardon the pun!) The legs are beneath the top but are of equal importance. Without the legs, the table top is only a piece of wood. It cannot function as a table, in the way God had intended. Without the top, the legs are reduced to just being sticks of wood. They cannot function as they were created either. The legs must be beneath the top to be a table – a marriage, but both are dependent upon the other. The legs undergird and support the top. The top keeps the legs standing upright, strong. The value is equal, the role is different.

    Isn’t that cool? I was taught this 35 years ago and it still rings true. Give my love to Holly. Just imagine how she will be able to encourage and teach young women that cross her path because of the refining fire ya’ll have gone through.

    With a hug,
    Nan

    • Kevin Adams says:

      Nan, i so appreciate you sharing your wisdom and experience. I know it is difficult to keep up with blogs but you always make time to come and share and it really adds to these posts. A thousand thank yous! I dont think i’ve ever heard of a better example than the table to decscribe the genius behind marriage. I will definitley be using that example as well. You are a blessing to me and many!!

  7. lmswords says:

    This was a wonderful blog, wouldn’t it be wonderful if it were taught in a bible study for men and women and boys and girls. God bless your writing.

    • Kevin Adams says:

      Very kind of you to say. The message is so important now because the enemy has both guns out aiming for the family (the church within the church). Lets pray that many will rise up and get that same word out. Thanks for always being so encouraing to me!!

  8. Brooke Stark says:

    Praise the Lord that you had the time to write! Excellent article. You are definitely gifted with your use of words, and very clear in relating the scriptures to the real life scenes you share. May the Lord continue to grant open doors for this truthful and needed message to be heard (read). Blessings in Christ!

    • Kevin Adams says:

      Wow, Brooke!! What a kind thing to say and so encouraging! Thank you! That really is my prayer that God would be pleased in His timing to open the doors for these words not for my sake but for what he continues to teach me to be heardby hurting people – people that need to see a way through the mess. Thanks so much! Please come back when you can – it means a lot :)

  9. Susan Baganz says:

    Wow. Love this post and the depth of thought you have put into it as you process through the lens of biblical truth. My prayers are with your and your wife and I wish I could sit down with you face to face to talk! Have you heard the song “Lead Me” by Sanctus Real?” If not – check it out. Women do desire godly male leadership and I belive many women, if they are truly feeling loved, will put up with almost anything to encourage their men – as long as they too have a biblical understanding that marraige is not for our “happiness” but for our holiness. Persevere. Stand strong in Christ. He is doing 50,000 things behind the scenes and NOTHING is wasted in His economy!

    • Kevin Adams says:

      Susan you already feel like a seasoned friend – its great!!! I have heard that song and really enjoy Sanctus Real – i need to go back for another listen. Yes, it all works together so well under the blessing of the Lord. I guess the hard part is that often one of the two have to be patient with a spiritual jump-start of the other. I agree with your comments 100%- it boils down to worship for God (holiness). Thank you for taking your valuable time to really make some meaty comments – it means so much!! Bless you my new friend! Please come back :)

  10. Well said! You are a true survivor by faith.

    May God continue to bless you and embody you by His grace!

  11. Glynn says:

    You left a message on Twitter. I’ve been following (lurking about?) your blog for some time. And I’m going to continue. You’re writing what’s in your heart. It shows.

    • Kevin Adams says:

      Thanks Glynn I really appreciate you taking the time!! It’s so encouraging to me. My deepest desire is to get the word out to folks, not no much the blog, but what God is putting on my heart. This post especially. Thank you and bless you!

  12. Very powerful post, Kevin. We share a common mission, my friend. Yours is to shed light on the leadership of men in their marriages under God’s design. Mine is to show women how to submit to their unbelieving husbands as our serive to God in order to be a sacred influence in the lives of our struggling men. But we share a common enemy. I battle on the front lines to protect my marriage, my family, and to fight for my husband’s soul. You battle on the front lines to preserve what God has entrusted to you. I have my husband’s unbelief to thank for this revelation. You have your adversity and loss to thank. Dare I say we are both in ideal positions? To most we appear to be the ones with the least, but in my heart and I hope in yours too, we have the most valuable prize of all–a life of service restored by our God. In this we are the richest by far.

    Again, so inspired by your writing. God’s hand is all over you and your family and I can’t wait to see what He does next with you, Kevin. This time of refining for you is so distinct. What comes next will be amazing…

    • Kevin Adams says:

      Dineen, knowing your ministry and heart you can be sure I thought about you in flashes when this post was pouring from God’s Spirit through my heart. I wondered about the struggle you face while knowing that you are standing firm in spite of it as an act of worship. Your comments so beautifully summarize the pain and reward for us both and so many others. I really admire you Dineen, you are an honor to God and your husband. Thanks for the privelege of your friendship and example of faith.

  13. Ariel bovat says:

    This is a GREAT article…….now to figure out how to get my hubby to read it without nagging? any ideas would be welcome!! lol..

    • Kevin Adams says:

      Thanks so much Ariel! from a husband’s point of view… I’ll just bet you can tell him how great he is and he’ll be putty in your hands :) Bless you sister – i’m very encouraged and thankful for your comments. Bless you.

  14. Betsy Clark says:

    Love this! What a vivid reminder also to me as a wife to not allow my influence to usurp God’s authority in my husband’s life as he leads our family. The Lord has been making this especially clear to me on many fronts and your post goes along exactly with what He’s been showing me. Thank you for following Him!

    • Kevin Adams says:

      Thank you Betsy! Amen – it all works well together in His care. I appreciate your heart and transparency – there is such great value in comments like yours where we share how our wonderful God is working on each of us. We rejoice in that! Thanks so much for taking time! Bless you and your marriage.

  15. Jeff Beaudin says:

    Kevin- Great post, friend. I’ve parked on:

    “Saved men should not see themselves as “the provider” but rather as the conduit through which God provides. ”

    That’s a timely and eloquently stated truth worthy of reflection.

    Jeff

    • Kevin Adams says:

      Thank you brother – i truly appreciate the example you and your family are to us. Thanks for taking time out to comment Jeff – it means alot! God Bless you.

  16. Wish I had an understanding of these biblical principles earlier in life as it may have made it easier to place my situation in perspective. Be that as it may, I’m sure God has let me cross your path for a purpose. So I thank you Kevin and I look forward to reading more of your posts. May God bless you and your family always!

    • Kevin Adams says:

      Thnak you Scott for taking time to read and comment. Your thought are highlly valued and appreciated around these parts! I can’t tell you how blessed I am to have run ito you. Thanks for your heart for the lost and heartbroken who desperateley need to know God. May God bless the work of your hands brother – good things coming!

  17. David says:

    Wow, what an awesome, inspiring work! My wife and I enjoyed it – we’re encouraged and feeling edified by a message that hit home for us at a perfect time. God bless you and your instrumental works of faith. And thanks!

    • Kevin Adams says:

      What an encouragement David!! Thanks so much for taking time to let me know that you both read it and enjoyed it. That makes my day friend. God is so wonderful to us all and worthy of praise. You have encouraged me at the “perfect time” – thank you!

  18. KevinHClark says:

    Kevin,
    I very much enjoy your writing! I look forward to following your work and the many insights you are sharing. You are a very inspired writing and God is blessing your message.

  19. Debra Howard says:

    Very good post. You might enjoy the book Under Cover by John Bevere. That book changed my life and helped me to find my place which was at my husband’s side as his helper and that being under His cover and authority was a safe place for me to be. It helped me to see the why behind the command. Enjoyed your blog post!
    Debbie

    • Kevin Adams says:

      Thank you Debbie for taking time – sincerely. You’ve been a real encouragement! And…from the looks of it…a gifted green thumb!! Beautiful flowers on your blog. PS: I agree that the Bevere’s are anointed communicators – thanks for the recommendation. Bless you and Texas :)

  20. Hannah says:

    YaY! Totally love this!

    • Kevin Adams says:

      Thanks Hannah – you have been so kind and encouraging through twitter AND you stopped by to check out the post – what more could a brother ask for :) Thanks you are a blessing to me!

  21. rithmatith says:

    As a single woman this post gave me so much insight. I have learned so much truth from the scriptures and the beautiful depiction of the representation of marriage being Christ and His church, but having this insight brings me down to a practical level. It helps me to understand who I ought to be as a woman, and Lord willing a wife one day. It shows me how I can never take the role of the helpmate lightly. And even now I want to encourage my brothers in Christ, and that doesn’t always mean verbally, but I want to live my life in such a way that would encourage them to pursue Christ, and not cause them to stumble or grow discouraged. Thank you for being humble enough to share your struggles, and show how the Lord has grown you and taught you lessons as your journey with Him and your family. I have been very encouraged by your blog and I will most def be passing it on.

    • Kevin Adams says:

      Wow thank you so much Ruthie! I cant express how deeply encouraging and energizing comments like yours are to me. We all need to tell this each other constantly – I need to hear it the most! Thank you for being open and earnest – it really makes this worth while – Praise God for you my sweet sister – Thank you.

      • rithmatith says:

        You are very welcome. Looking forward to future posts and keeping you and your family in my prayers.

  22. Rosi Val says:

    Thumbs up !

  23. Jamie R. says:

    Hey, Kevin! Sorry its been a while since I’ve been on…. WOW! I loved this post.

    May I add a caveat here? I think there are a TON of Christian women out there who are craving husbands who will make walking with God and spending time with Him their top priority. I’ve noticed over and over again that often women have somehow ended up being the ones to “lead” the family because their husbands have abdicated that role—for whatever reason. The wives/moms are the ones who get the kids up to get ready for church, listen to prayers at bedtime, ask the kids what they learned in Bible class, remember to quiz them on their memory verses. When the men fail to assume that leadership role (humbly walking with God and lovingly leading according to His direction), the wives are forced to carry that burden of leading the family – both physically and spiritually. Caring for and nurturing their famiies is built into womens’ DNA. But after a while, pulling the weight of nurturing and leading both wears them down and out to the point they feel they have very little energy left over for anything else. Including their spouses or even their own time with God.

    When women see their husbands actively leading ….studying the Word, praying, guiding and talking with their children, sharing God’s insights with them — it provides a tremendous sense of security. And maybe…. if women felt more secure in knowing that their husbands were leading the family on purpose and that they had a plan and were listening to the Lord for guidance — perhaps there would be less manipulation (as you talked about above) and therefore less strife? Just pondering….

    God bless you Kevin! Thanks again for sharing those things you are learning.

    • Kevin Adams says:

      Hey friend – it has been a while but i know you guys are busy so it means that much more to hear from you. I love that you always bring insight and are willing t o speak from you heart. It is refreshing and it helps everyone – especially me, to learn. Your perspective is right on. It was difficult to write this one because I think we all struggle with the cycle of blame yet always want to be honoring of one another – my wife had to take a hard look at the post first but she courageously gave it her blessing. It wasnt easy for either of us. Thanks for your friendship and encouragement – i hope to hear from you again soon – you guys defiitely have my prayers :)

  24. Martha Bush says:

    My husband’s #1 priority was to provide financially for his family, but did not lead spiritually. I long for the day he reverses that role, not for me, but for his own peace and security that cannot come any other way. I loved reading a man’s view.

    • Kevin Adams says:

      Martha, thank you so much for sharing your heart. It is so difficult for us (men) to set aside that role of provider so we can take on the role of pointing to God as the ultimate provider. There is a fine line but it makes all the difference. The good news is that God understands this about us all AND adores us (you and your husband). If we ask and wait on Him I believe He will absolutley bring us closer to Him. His methods perfectly suit the person so we dont have to figure it out. If we step into it He will run toward us – like the Father toward His prodigal son. I will keep you on my prayer list. Thanks you so much – cant wait to hear form you again soon. Bless you sister.

  25. I’ve often thought that my role as husband isn’t so much of a provider as it is a pacesetter. I should set the pace spiritually for my family. I don’t always live up to that challenge but it has helped me understand how ‘leadership’ should look in a marriage. Also, lately I’ve been challenged about how few men initiate the conversation with their wife about adoption. The latest statistic I heard was that only 3% of adoptions are first initiated by the husband. I’ve been convicted lately of the biblical mandate for orphan care (not everyone is called to adopt, but God says orphans and widows are a priority for Him) yet very few men are taking the lead in this area.

    • Kevin Adams says:

      Lee thank you so much brother – it means alot! I love the idea of being a pacesetter – great word and really lines up with The idea of the “race” we run. I agree with you about adoption and know many families that are now, more than ever open to it. Definitely something to pursure God for and listen carefully – thank you friend for taking your valueable time to share – bless you!

  26. Cindy Thomas says:

    This is wonderful. My sweet husband and I have been married for 27 years. But I have to admit it took several of those years to “figure out” the whole marriage thing. When we married, neither of us were walking closely with God. We both strayed in our teens and twenties and entered marriage with our own thoughts of how things should be. We did however declare that divorce would always be out of the question.

    I said that my husband was the head of the house but did not always act like it. He wasn’t always the sprititual head either. But as we both moved closer to the Lord, we realized that we had been doing it all wrong. We loved each other, but we hadn’t put God at the head of our marriage. My husband realized his role as not only the head of the family, but more importantly the spiritual head. We both realized that we had to please God first and foremost. My husband was a wonderful provider, but finally realized that He had to please God first, not me.

    I wish all newly married couple could read this post.

    Cindy

    • Kevin Adams says:

      Hey Cindy – you guys are wonderful for taking the time out! Thank you so much!! All i can say is Amen and i appreciate your 27 years or learning and wisdom. Amen!! thanks friend – God desires what you now have for all His married kiddos – your words are powerful testimony. You are a blessing to me and others -thank you!

  27. Jerrell says:

    Kevin, here is what I got from my study of Abraham and Adam.

    (Abraham justified by faith)

    WHAT then shall we say that Abraham, our father according to the flesh, acquired? 2 For if Abraham was justified by works, he has reason to boast, but not before God. 3 For what does the Scripture say? “Abraham believed God and it was credited to him as justice.” 4 Now to him who works, the reward is not credited as a favor but as something due. 5 But to him who does not work, but believes in him who justifies the impious, his faith is credited to him as justice. 6 Thus David declares the blessedness of the man to whom God credits justice without works: 7 “Blessed are they whose iniquities are forgiven, and whose sins are covered; 8 blessed is the man to whom the Lord will not credit sin.”

    (Justified before circumcision)

    9 Does this blessedness hold good, then, only for the circumcised, or also for the uncircumcised? For we say that unto Abraham faith was credited as justice. How then was it credited? When he was in the state of circumcision or in that of uncircumcision? Not in circumcision but in unciscumcision. 11 And he received the sign of circumcision as the seal of the justice of faith which he had while uncircumcised, in order that he may be the father of all who, while uncircumcised, believed, that to them also it may be credited as justice; 12 and the father of the circumcised, not of those merely who are circumcised, but also of those who follow in the steps of the faith that was our father Abraham’s while yet uncircumcised.

    (Not justified by the works of the Law)

    13 For not through the Law but through the justice of faith was the promise
    made to Abraham and to his posterity that he should be heir of the world. 14 For if they who are of the Law are heirs, faith is made empty, the promise is made void. 15 For the Law works wrath; for where there is no law, neither is there transgression. 16 Therefore the promise was the outcome of faith, that it might be a favor, in order that it might be secure for all the offspring, not only for those who are of the Law, but also for those who are of the faith of Abraham, who is the father of us all; 17 as it is written, “I have appointed thee the father of many nations.” He is our father in the sight of God, whom he believed, who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were.

    (The strength of his faith)

    18 Abraham hoping against hope believed, so that he became the father of many nations, according to what was said, “So shall thy offspring be.” 19 And without weakening in faith, he considered his own deadened body (for he was almost a hundred years old) and the deadened womb of Sara; 20 and yet in view of the promise of God, he did not waver through unbelief but was strengthened in faith, giving glory to God, 21 being fully aware that whatever God has promised he is able also to perform. 22 Therefore it was credited to him as justice.

    (The model of our faith)

    23 Now not for his sake only was it written that “It was credited to him,” 24
    but for the sake of us also, to whom it will be credited if we believe in him who
    raised Jesus our Lord from the dead, 25 who was delivered up for our sins, and rose again for our justification.

    (Christ’s death assures us hope and peace)

    HAVING been justified therefore by faith, let us have peace with God through
    our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we also have access by faith unto that grace in which we stand, and exult in the hope of the glory of the sons of God. 3 And not only this, but we exult in tribulations also, knowing that tribulation works out endurance, 4 and endurance tried virtue, and tried virtue hope. 5 And hope does not disappoint, because the charity of God is poured forth in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. 6 For why did Christ , at the set time, die for the wicked when as yet we were weak? 7 For scarcely in behalf of a just man does one die; yet perhaps one might bring himself to die for a good man. 8 But God commends his charity towards us, because when as yet we were sinners, 9 Christ died for us.

    (Christ’s death assures our salvation)

    Much more now that we are justified by his blood, shall we be saved through
    him from the wrath . 10 For if when we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. 11 And not this only, but we exult also in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

    (In Adam all have sinned)

    12 Therefore as through one man sin entered into the world and through sin
    death, and thus death has passed unto all men because all have sinned—13 for until the Law sin was in the world, but sin is not imputed when there is no law; 14 yet death reigned from Adam until Moses even over those who did not sin after the likeness of the transgression of Adam, who is a figure of him who was to come.

    (Grace and life superabound through Christ)

    15 But not like the offense is the gift. For if by the offense of the one the many died, much more has the grace of God, and the gift in the grace of the one man Jesus Christ, abounded unto the many. 16 Nor is the gift as it was in the case of one man’s sin, for the judgment was from one man unto condemnation, but grace is from many offenses unto justification. 17 For if by reason of the one man’s offense death reigned through the one man, much more will they who receive the abundance of the grace and of the gift of justice reign in life through the one Jesus Christ. 18 Therefore as from the offense of the one man the result was unto condemnation to all men, so from the justice of the one the result is unto justification of life to all men. 19 For just as by the disobedience of the one man the many were constituted sinners, so also by the
    obedience of the one the many will be constituted just.

    May the gift of God be in your heart.

    • Kevin Adams says:

      Thank you Jerrell – Abraham is a hero of faith and the father of Israel. There is so very much to be learned from his life and realtionship to God – Amen. I really appreciate you sharing what God placed on your heart. We definitley want to recoginize that God was with Him and He was credited as righteous through faith. I’m afraid my faith is the one that need to be awakened :) But studying the life of Abraham definitley puts is all in perspective. In regard to my post…I think this was the one time where God was showing me that even perhaps the greatest man of faith was flawed and made a mistake that can be equally used by God to teach us how to lead – in the context of marriage. Thanks so much and please come back again – very much appreciated comments!

  28. Haelie says:

    Love this post, Kevin. Bless you for writing it. I pray that even the husbands who do not read it will somehow by God’s spirit be taught these truths as you were. Keep sharing, friend!

    • Kevin Adams says:

      Thanks my sweet sister in Christ- your voice is a wondeful blessing aorund here. And Amen – I hope that God will provide a way for this message to be heard or through whatever means He gives voice to it. Its heart breaking to stop and look around at what the enemy is doing to families. Thanks Haelie – most sincerely!!

  29. Arelis says:

    First of all let me say that I am sorry for the events that have unfolded in your life. I am appreciative of your candidness in sharing these things with us so that we may all be encouraged to press on towards God’s good and perfect will in our lives. 

    Standing on God’s word…my goodness if that is not a lesson I often fail to remember. It should be second nature seeing that it is Gods word that brought us salvation…

    And letting the man be head, I must say that is a hard one, I say this from the opposite side you stand on. I should trust my God enough to let my husband lead.  I have lead our family in some bad directions all because my dear sweet husband wanted to please me. Lord forgive me…whenever the subject comes up, as it has now, I am filled with should of, could of, would of… Sigh! I was the weapon of the enemy!

    Thank you for this. This gives me even more motivation to stay close to God so that I can be an extension of His hand…well said and very encouraging.

    I love to learn the male perspective which makes me more sensitive to the Spirit in regards to the males sensitivities and weaknesses so that I don’t cause my husband to stumble or myself for that matter. 

    Once again, thank you. It has been a blessing and just another improvement in my life by God. Thank you, Amen.

    • Kevin Adams says:

      Thanks Arelis! I truly appreciate your perspective and your honesty. It is so valueable and confirming that none of this is easy (for any of us) and the only way possible is to make it an act of worship for God. But He is infinitely generous and faithful when we surrender and wait on Him. It means so much for you to take time and really share and i deeply appreciate the encouragement! You are a blessing Arelis! Thank you!!

  30. Paul Kuzma says:

    Great thoughts here Kevin! Keep this up as God leads you!

    The pastor who officiated our wedding 25 years ago said something that I use to this day regarding submission and love ….

    “Paul, the Bible may say the wife is to submit to the husband, but the Bible does NOT say the husband is to make sure the wife submits. It says the husband is to LOVE his wife as Christ loved the Church. If you’ll love Colleen as Christ loves the Church, submission will never be an issue. If submission is an issue, you better check your love quotient!”

    Blessings on your journey Kevin!

    • Kevin Adams says:

      Thanks Paul…I love that “does NOT say the husband is to make sure the wife submits”. Amen brother – that kind of cajoling takes the burden off God and places it right back on our prideful shoulders. Great comments and life lesson for entering a marriage. It really means a lot that you took time to stop by and share your wisdom – I truly appreciate it brother. Look forward to getting more insight as you have time. Thanks my friend! Bless you!

  31. Perhaps the best article I’ve ever read on marriage. Thank you! I hope this gets published somewhere. You are an excellent writer!

    • Kevin Adams says:

      Wow Elaine that is tremedously kind of you – Thanks so much for the encouragement! I rejoice that God is at work and speaking to us all about marriage. It is an honor to have that message placed in my heart. I pray that He is glorified and married folks can be encouraged toward Him as the answer for everything. Thanks so much – sincerely it means a lot. Bless you!

  32. jeffgoins says:

    Wow. I was just introduced to your story from a blog reader, Kevin. I bookmarked this. What an amazing journey you’ve been thru. Thanks for being brave enough to tell the tale.

    • Kevin Adams says:

      Hi Jeff its quite an honor to have you stop by. I appreciate your work and hope to grow from your knowlege. I’m still very new to all this but God is definitely leading the way. Thanks man – sincerely appreciate you taking time to comment. Looking forward to hearing more from you. Blessings Jeff!

  33. Shelley says:

    Great post. I appreciate your encouragement. Bless you.

  34. Hello from Prince Edward Island Canada Kevin.
    I just came across this blog today, and you have started your journey a while back. It’s easy to see what God is up to with your lives. He is doing what He wants to do, and you are allowing Him. What we believe as Christians is that we will spend eternity with God. While we are here God wants to prepare us for that. Unfortunately it’s easy to trust God for your milk, when all you have to do is open the fridge. God says seek first His kingdom, but we don’t, we won’t, until the bottom falls out.
    God took the proud and arrogant me down quite a few years ago now. I was not anywhere close to being the Husband that God wanted me to be. My wife took the children to church, and I spent a way to much time doing things that I should not have been doing.
    All that was quite a few years ago now. God says “call upon me in the day of your trouble, and I will answer you” I called, He answered. Last year, my wife of 31 years, and I, had the wonderful pleasure of watching our seven children get baptized in a service! God continues to show us that He is an Awesome Heavenly Father and we continue to understand that His word the Bible is absolute truth from beginning to end.
    I am a singer-songwriter and it is my belief that it is the Lords’ will for me to offer my Nashville recording “Broad Road” for a free download. Please drop by my site, and if you are interested, download the music. God Bless You Kevin.
    http://www.petermacdougallmusic.com

    • Kevin Adams says:

      Peter, although we spoke via facbook i’m not sure i ever told you how much your rsponse meant to me. Please dont let the delay diminish the sincerity. Thanks so much brother! I will be heading over to your site! Blessings

  35. Pingback: Marriage Advice – An Unplanned Post | the Vicki Arnold blog

  36. Missie says:

    conduit through which God provides – Wow that line spoke so clearly to me. My husband is really struggling in his faith right now, I almost believe that he is totally given up on even the idea of God. It is so hard because I have been a Christian my whole life and going to church alone sucks to say the least. I know my husband is providing, but without God at the top of our triangle it is hard. I really hope that one day he can be the man you are describing, and I the wife God calls me to be.

  37. TNaeWilcox says:

    I was supposed to be working:). I came to your site to only read one post, but ended up reading more. Your writing style is wonderful and a pleasure to read. Blessings to you and your family! I loved the testimony!

    • Kevin Adams says:

      Wow that really made me smile! Your were supposed to be working and you took time to drop by – i’m honored! Well please come back as you can and know that you’ve blessed me today by taking that time to encourage. God bless you!

  38. What a lovely read. Thank you! I am encouraged to really look at my motivation and attitude while engaging with my hubs. I most definitely do not wish to pull an “Eve”! It ALWAYS my heart’s desire to glorify God and make sure He is clearly reflected in me. I am thankful for “meeting” you on Twitter and getting to read this.

    Kindest regards.

  39. Danny O'Neal says:

    i NEEDED TO READ THAT ……

    • Miss Wanza says:

      I found this really insightful! I was at a wedding a few weeks ago and the pastor’s sermon was about the passive husband, and how that can lead to strain in the marriage. Really good read, and very necessary topic. Thanks!

      • Kevin Adams says:

        Hey Sylvia – very kind of you to take time to stop by – sincerely! It is nice to meet you and get the benefit of being encouraged by you. Hope to hear more in the coming days and learn from you. Bless you my new friend and have a great day! Thank you so much!!

  40. Janis Miller says:

    Kevin, I appreciate your candidness on the issues that you are facing. You have gained great understanding through your trials and I thank you for sharing it.

    Although, I firmly believe that Adam’s and Abraham’s choices were part of The Plan, I also believe our Father in Heaven is omniscient and knew their choices from the beginning. Your post brings into focus the great love that our Heavenly Father has for us and the part that we must play to gain the full blessings of this relationship.

    I am grateful for your insight and pondering. As a wife and a mother of five (grown) sons (and mil to two more sons) you can be sure your post will be a topic of conversation in our home. While your post has focused on the leadership of the husband I have also gained greater insight into how a wife can sustain her husband in his position.

    • Kevin Adams says:

      Janis thank you so much for taking time to share wisdom and bring encouragement. It really helps make this a real conversation. Bless you friend – I look forward to hearing from you again!

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